Let's Talk Mom Guilt

A funny thing happened when I became a mom four years ago. I instantly started feeling like everything was my fault. Baby crying? My fault. I should know what's wrong. Bank account low? My fault. I should have researched better health insurance. Husband achy? My fault. Should have given him a back rub.

Usually I am able to ignore the negative self talk, because I have two beautiful little humans and a full grown husband to attend to. This week though....well let's talk for a second. I wonder how many other moms struggle here. 

This week has been difficult. I went to the dentist for a check up, and I have three abscess teeth needing root canals, plus three regular cavities, plus super inflamed gums that need some sort of treatment. We have dental insurance, but it doesn't cover major dental work until we've had it a year. Unfortunately we can't wait a year as the infection is already pretty bad. 

I feel like the worst mom ever. The worst wife ever. Sure, I brush and floss and do everything I'm supposed to, but my mouth is still really bad (although they did throw in a free cleaning so at least now it LOOKS fine). They think I am having a lot of hormonal issues that cause my mouth to not work the way it should. I don't understand it all. All I know is that as careful as we were to save, to be frugal, all our savings are gone now and it's all my fault because it's MY mouth, not my husband's. Yesterday I walked around in a cloud of self-condemnation. It was bad. I thought "You could have taken your family to Disney World...heck Disney LAND, all the way in California, for the money it's taking to  get your mouth healthy. Shame on you." Yeah, that record played over and over in my head yesterday. Guilt guilt guilt. Gross. 

I talked to my mom early this morning. She had a different perspective. "Angela, those boys need you to be HEALTHY. Ben needs you to be healthy. You did nothing wrong, in fact, by even acknowledging the problem and getting things taken care of you are being a GOOD mom."

But this silly mom guilt makes it difficult for me to see that.

I'm not sure what is to become of our finances, or my tendency to think everything's all my fault. I know in my head that this is just life. Things happen. You can plan and save and plan some more, but sometimes life throws you a curve ball. Or five curve balls in a row. 

I'm still trying to pass this test. I thank God for this opportunity to TRUST him. Here's my chance. I smile at the dental staff and try to be a light there (they see me ALL the time now. Like, ALL THE TIME). I am grateful that this has caused me to see where I need to improve, where I need to change some things in my own character. It's not easy. It's scary actually. 

But I keep trying. One tooth at a time.