Not everyone likes me.
And I HATE that.
I have a problem because if I like you, I want to be your best friend. I want to take our kids on play dates together and I want to make you chocolate chip cookies on your birthday and I want to DO ALL THE THINGS with you. Perhaps it's because I was so incredibly awkward growing up (and I had equally awkward friends that I love with all my heart to this day) or perhaps it's my need to please the entire human race, I don't know. If someone doesn't like me, I begin to feel incredibly insecure. I question EVERYTHING: Maybe my hair is the wrong style or maybe I don't drive the right mini van or maybe she doesn't like how lenient I am or maybe I tell stupid jokes or maybe I eat the wrong way or go to the wrong dentist or maybe I accidentally offended her back in 2007. You see? Everything.
I don't like this about myself, and by the grace of God, I'm getting better at letting it go. Well, I'm trying. I had a moment recently where I realized that someone that used to be one of my closest confidants no longer thinks I'm worth the time. It should be no big deal. I have so many friends. Not just acquaintances, but real heart sisters, women I want to share my life with. Why let one person's dislike make me wonder if I'm a total loser? Because I am really, ridiculously flawed here. I'm pretty sure Beth Moore wrote So Long, Insecurity, with my face in mind.
Back in my school days, I was NOTCOOL. That's the nice way to say it. I had an eating disorder, and I was WEIRD. Really weird. I didn't know it at the time, but looking back....yikes. Thankfully that's ancient history ( I have discovered how much I love food, just ask my dentist) but the same insecure feelings arise when I feel less than. There were these girls in my class....they wore green eyeshadow and Mudd jeans and they were probably some of People's most beautiful for the year 1997. I wanted them to like me so badly. They never did. In fact, they were pretty mean. The low point for me was catching one of them burning a picture of me. Ouch. Now I want to tell my little 12 year old self that they were not worth all the crying, the trying with all my might, but I digress.
I was sitting on my bed this morning, feeling kind of down as I got ready to take my kids to play group. I prayed, as I often do when going about my day. "God, am I a.....LOSER? Do you think I'm a disappointment? Because some days I feel pretty disappointed in myself, and I'm awkward and I certainly don't have my stuff together some days."
But here is what God says:
My child, I delight in you. I knit you together, I have a plan for you, I want to USE you. My opinion of you is what should matter to you. In this world you will have trouble. But my plan is bigger than this world. I have set you apart, I've put you right where you are for such a time as this. So no, my child, you are not a loser. You're just finally growing a backbone. Some people don't like that.
One of the best ways for me to gain some perspective is to reverse roles. What would I tell my preschool-aged son if someone didn't want to be his friend? Well first, I'd give him the biggest hug and tell him how awesome he is (he really is so awesome, I'm not making that up). I'd say that there are plenty of people that DO think he's the best buddy they could have, and for those that don't think that, well, that's their loss. Then I'd probably buy him an ice cream cone because that's just how I like to parent :)
So, to take my own advice, I'm vowing not to sweat it if I'm not everyone's cup of tea. And those of you that like me? Well, I'm going to have to make you some chocolate chip cookies, stat.
Awkward Angela, circa 1997. I've always had an intense love for overalls.
5 comments:
I think everyone struggles with this to an extent. At least at some points in life. I know I have. And I've tried to push that fact under a rug. Over the past few years God has helped me to grow more with Him, and through that I've found that I just don't care anymore what people think. My friend Tracie says being in your 30s is all about not caring what others think, and the more I consider that, the more I see it. It just doesn't matter. You have your darling family, and you have friends who love you, and most importantly you have a God who adores you so much that He died for you. So really.. nobody else matters. I know it's hard though. Sometimes it really feels like they matter.
I love you. And let's plan a visit and make cookies together!!
I remember that trip!!! Wish we could have stayed longer! I like overalls too ...and, I always keep an eye out for overalls at the thrift store, new ones are hard to find and so expensive, better to get ones already broken in, let me know what size you wear (and explain in language a man can understand)! Love - Dad
I love this, and I love YOU even though our paths haven't crossed recently!
I feel like I could have written this. I feel the same way very often. I too, am starting to realize, that the issue is my newfound backbone. Also, I liked you when you were awkward.
Just so you know. I always thought you were so cool. I wanted to be like you, pretty thin and fun! I know this is like 20 years late, but know that is still how I see you!
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