It's Getting Real

Today is baby shower day. I've been praying for this day since I found out about this baby. I prayed from the beginning, "Lord, please give us a baby shower. If we make it that far, I promise to celebrate. I promise to bring testimony for what you have done. This miracle, it should be recognized in a big way."
Today is here. I am so excited. I've spent this pregnancy so afraid, so hesitant to give in to the joy. So on guard, so cynical. It's my default, it's how I protect myself from the hurt of disappointment. But it's no way to live. The closer my due date gets, the more fear I feel creep up in the secret places of my soul. Will I fail miserably? Will my child love me? Will I be a good momma or will I mess up? So many changes have left me feeling out of control. Unsure of what to grab on to to feel steady. I reached a peak this week with my fear. I simply said "I can't do this anymore. I don't want to."
I reached for Ann Voskamp's book once again. I've got hundreds of books, but I keep turning back to hers. 

All fear is but the notion that God's love ends, she writes. Fear thinks God is finite and fear thinks that there is not going to be enough and hasn't counting one thousand gifts, endlessly counting gifts, exposed the lie at the heart of all fear? (One Thousand Gifts). 

Yes. I need this reminder. Always. Forgive my fear, Father. I do not know the future. But I know I must give thanks for the now. And you know what? I can't wait to celebrate today.