A weekend to remember

This weekend was so healing for my soul. Wow. I can't really even put it into words, but I am going to try. Some of my closest friends gathered for Levi's much anticipated baby shower. It was a time of celebration, a time of fellowship, and most of all a time to acknowledge all that God is doing to work all things for good. I wrote a letter to share with the guests, mainly because I wanted to thank them for having our back the last three years. I want to thank you too. Here it is:

Today is a very special day. Today we celebrate the upcoming arrival of God’s newest miracle, Levi James.

From the beginning of this pregnancy, I have been afraid. So afraid of messing up something so perfect, so treasured, so prayed for. I have prayed for this baby since I was pregnant with Logan, actually. I knew that my boy deserved siblings, and I knew that I would want another child to hold as soon as my husband said it was okay with him.

       Those of you here know our story. You know the heartbreak we have faced the last few years, marked with devastating losses and babies we won’t hold until heaven. You know how our faith has been tested, and you know that through all of this, we say God is good. That he NEVER left us, even on the most painful, darkest of days.

       God showed up through each of you. When we couldn’t find faith on our own, you showed up. You made us meals and sent us cards and held our boy. You prayed for us, encouraged us, and truly believed our quiver would grow someday. You believed with us, held our hands, and stood in the gap for us. I say quite honestly that if not for you all, our spine, I would be in a much darker place. Ben too.

       On March 6^th, 2013, I prayed that God would take away my yearning for more children. That he would give me a new dream, because I couldn’t take the heartache any longer. I was at the end of my rope. That night, I took two pregnancy tests, fully expecting them to be negative. Much to my surprise, they were both bright and positive. I should have felt joy. Instead I felt terror. I prayed that God would not take this baby too. That this one, for whatever reason, would make it. I couldn’t take another loss. I just couldn’t. My motto became “One day at a time.” I did not count months, I counted days. Hours sometimes. Every trip to the bathroom was a search for blood.

       He’s alive, guys. Levi James has a heartbeat. He has a body. A very active body, I might add. He’s here and we will get to meet him soon. I don’t deserve him, and I think that’s what scares me the most. He’s a gift directly from God himself, and who am I to deserve another perfect blessing?

       I plan on taking my role as his mother very seriously. Not a day goes by that I don’t pray for him, tell him I love him, and count the hours until I get to hold him in my arms. I know what it’s like now to have a purpose. God created me to be mommy to Logan and Levi. And I will never stop thanking him for this precious honor.

       I know it might be a little untraditional to have a baby shower for a second baby, but I feel we must celebrate. We must acknowledge the miracle that is taking place before our eyes.

As the bible says, God has done great things for us and we are filled with joy. I knew from the beginning that if we made it this far, we would celebrate with all our might. It’s not about gifts or cake or photo opportunities. It’s about giving credit to my heavenly father for expanding my heart and showing me that he is faithful.

       I could go on, but I have a blog for all of that. I’ll just end by saying thank you from the bottom of my heart for the love you’ve poured on my family. We wouldn’t be here without you.

Now let’s party.