A Weighty Issue

    I had my 32 week appointment today with my midwife. Everything seems healthy, baby is fine, blood pressure's good, and....I weigh more than I have ever weighed. Ever. 

I thought about getting on the scale backwards. I mean, it's just a number, I know I am doing everything I can to eat healthy for myself and my baby, and why should I care how much weight I've gained? Because I am hormonal and female and sleep deprived, I guess. Oh, and I officially weigh more than my husband.

It's funny, I've always been a fairly skinny person, so this constant weight gain is new to me. Even with my first son I only gained 23 pounds ( they wouldn't let me eat sugar, it was rough!). He was an 8 pound baby. I didn't get very big.

But this time around, yeah, I am bigger. Already. And I still have 7.5 weeks left. 

I'm mad at myself for being so vain.

But I think again, this is just another example of how I like to be in control. And right now, I am NOT so in control of my body. I am growing and changing and leaking (sorry, TMI?) and I've gone up three cup sizes. I have a whole new body. My skin is different and my hair is different and some days I feel like I don't have it together at all.

What makes me so mad is that I have to eat my words here. I promised myself, and the world, that if God blessed us with another baby, I wouldn't care what I looked like as long as the baby was healthy. And I meant it.

But I am human and sometimes I break promises to myself. 

When I feel really bad, I tell myself that this is my chance to assist God in a miracle. That he chose ME! to grow and mother this baby. And that's so amazing. When I tell myself that, I feel better. Prettier. Not quite so huge. 

But I'm also being smart about things. I'm not reading the running blogs right now. I'm not reading about how to eat paleo and clean and blah blah blah. I can't. The best thing I can do is to keep doing what I have been doing. Grow this belly. Grow this miracle. And maybe get on the scale the other way next time.