I will take care of you

I've been a little (a lot) anxious lately.

Insurance confusion AGAIN. I have no idea AGAIN how much this birth is going to cost us. Again we planned and planned on when to get pregnant and our plans didn't work. But God blessed us with this sweet baby on the way after years of serious prayer and tests and trying and tears and doctors and he knows what he's doing. Ben's job is changing insurance providers and plans next month. A month before I am due. This freaks me out because I cannot budget for what I do not know. In short, I am out of control on this one. And it's showing me ( I suppose I need this reminder a lot) how much I LOVE being in control. I feel safe when I am in control. It's an illusion, I know this. But it soothes me.

My prayer, for a couple of years now, is that God will show me that he is good. That he loves my little family. That I can TRUST him. I didn't grow up thinking I could trust anyone. I won't get all pop psychology on here, but things never felt safe growing up. I learned that when you trust people, they can break your heart. I learned this young. So my thoughts on God? Well even now, at 28, I have a hard time trusting him. It actually seems easier to trust my worry, my control, my own strength.

But God doesn't want me to stay this way.

As my lovely friend Joanna Welsh says, where there is life, there is hope. I can change. Lord willing, I can give up this need to control what I was never meant to control.

I can trust in the one I actually SHOULD trust.

A sweet friend I grew up with, a friend I haven't seen in at least 11 years, messaged me the other day. She said she had a big box of maternity clothes she wanted to bless me with. I've been wanting some new maternity clothes for a while, but haven't really had the budget to buy any. I've been wearing the same few things over and over. Which is probably the ecological way to do things, but I'll be real and say I've not felt very pretty. I've secretly been wishing for some cute new things to spruce up my mood a little. 

I met sweet Crystal at the mall with our boys. It was lovely to catch up with her. She's one of those people that just oozes out kindness from her pores. The world needs more people like her.

Anyway, after a nice visit, we went our separate ways. I looked through the big box of clothes when I got home, and guess what? Everything is SOCUTE. Seriously. I didn't know cute maternity clothes existed, but they do. And they were all in this box from a sweet friend. I don't know if Crystal knows just what she did for me. It was so much more than clothes. I felt God whispering to me.  

      

See, child, I love you enough to hear what you don't even pray for. I knew you wanted some pretty things. I knew your self-esteem was low. I knew. I care about your wants as well as your needs. You didn't even feel you could ask me for this, yet I freely gave it to you because I love you. Just wait and see what else I can do, child.

I can't really explain what it's like to cry joyfully over a box of cute clothes. Maybe it seems shallow. Maybe it's hard to understand. But I feel like God met me in my worry last week. I don't know what the next month or two holds. I don't know how we're going to budget for this hospital birth. I don't know. But I know God will meet us there. I can trust him. Little by little, I am learning this.