Weakness

I feel like maybe the name of this blog should be "My name is Angela and I worry too much."

But then I think no one would read it.

I'm working on the whole giving it to God thing.

Daily. Hourly sometimes.

I really didn't think I'd make it this far. 27 weeks today. I can't wrap my head around this.

The thought that in 13 weeks or less I will have a newborn baby in my arms, MY baby, well, it brings me great joy and also sends panic down my spine.
I can't let go of the nagging thought that I do not deserve this.
That I am going to mess up.
The entire first trimester of this pregnancy was spent in denial. I didn't let myself think of names or nursery themes or anything of the sort. I thought surely I would lose this one too. I became terrified of germs and toxins and well, everything.
I don't know when I stepped out of denial and realized that this baby was really, really going to join our family. Maybe when I saw him on the screen and they told me he was a boy. Maybe when I felt his kicks and rolls for the first time. Maybe it was when my sweet son said "Momma, I can't wait for my baby brother to be here with me."
Yeah, that last one made me cry.

Fear has stolen a lot of the joy out of this pregnancy. I promised myself it wouldn't, but it has. My worries, my constant battle for control, they've made me miserable. I've convinced myself of so many worst-case scenarios.

But. I was reading today about how we shouldn't hate our weaknesses. That the Lord actually shines brightest on weaklings when they fully surrender control to him.
I hate my worry. I hate my fear. I hate that I never let my guard down.

But some good has come from my weaknesses.

I've bonded with multiple women from my church that are right there. Many of them have had miscarriages and heartache and fear that makes it hard to trust that God is good. I can be completely real with them. They love me. And they lift me up and encourage me when trust seems oh so difficult.

I've learned to appreciate the here and now. When I look too far into the future, I worry. So much is up in the air, so much can scare me if I let it. But when I focus on right now, on just doing the next thing, I am not consumed. I take time to appreciate this season. How fun it is to have a three year old. The joy that comes from running through the sprinkler with him on a hot day. The little things that are actually the big things.

I have found that serving others really does help my soul. I've started volunteering at church. All I do is check in the new families, so it's a lot of not doing much, but it really has blessed me. I smile at people I normally would be too nervous to smile at. I have formed new friendships. I focus on OTHERS, not my worries. And it's awesome.

I'm sure there's more. There's always more. I guess this post is just for me to say, I'm working on it. Working on giving thanks even for my weakness. Even for my struggle. Life really is beautiful, and I am thankful.