Want to know a secret?
I'm kind of scared.
I have no idea what life with two children will be like.
I'm afraid I am going to do this wrong and mess everything up.
And by kind of, I mean every moment I'm thinking, I'm trying to figure out how I will solve x, y, and z, when x, y, and z are not real problems. They are hypothetical.
For example: my oldest son is three. He is not in preschool, because he is three and I don't have thousands of dollars to spend right now. I want to homeschool, that's the plan, but I'm already freaking out about where I will enroll him for kindergarten because the best homeschoolers are with an umbrella school and we have to move because dang it our county isn't going to work. The private schools out here are more than my college tuition was and they are very, very far and I have no idea what I am going to do.
A year and a half from now.
That's just the easy worry.
I had lunch with my sweet friend Christina today. I love her because she's honest. I can tell her my worries and she doesn't tell me to just trust God and chill out because she knows that sometimes, that's not the best advice. That I DO trust God, I just don't trust myself. That being a mom is the scariest job, and there are a million ways to fail but we've just got to keep trying our best and doing the next thing and praying that God fills in where we fall short. She told me she feels the way I do a lot. And I wanted to hug her. Because she loves me enough to drop the mask, to stop the facade of perfect. Even though her kids always eat all their food without being bribed and her house looks like a Pottery Barn ad and I've never seen crumbs on her floors. She worries too. And I love that she tells me. I learn a lot from her every time I'm with her.
I'm afraid that even though mom to these desires of my heart is my biggest dream come true, that I will fail and fail hard. That maybe I was selfish to ask God (okay, beg God for YEARS) for so much. The fact that he said yes, well, that's so scary! Because I feel so small. So ill-equipped. So desperate for another helping of grace.
I got maternity photos taken last week. It's amazing, you can't see the fear in my face. Really, all you see is a mom who is so excited to meet her newest son. And I am. Oh, how I am. But I know I don't deserve him. People tell me how content I look in these photos. May it be so. My prayer is to be as at peace as these photos make me appear to be.
I don't have everything figured out. I know I will learn as I go, just as I did the first time around.
My prayer is that I can be the kind of mother my boys can look up to. Someone who laughs without fear of the future. A true Proverbs 31 gal.
Little by little, I suppose.
1 comment:
Just so you know, no one has it all figured out. Every person who says they do is lying. We all put a great face on and try to keep our frustrations to ourselves, but nobody knows what to do all the time. The best thing about kids, is that they are resilient. They bounce back from almost anything. I see students go through things that I can not even imagine going through and smiling, and there they are greeting the day with a smile.
Look into Logan's eyes and look at his wonderful personality. You and Ben did that. You formed him to be the little heartbreaker that he is. Even when he throws fits and is grumpy as ever, you know a smile will return when he is done. You did that.
No one is perfect. Trusting in God is amazing, but unfortunately he doesn't sit next to you and have coffee with you and tell you everything is going to be ok.
Just remember that it is not easy with two. (Trust me I know) You just take it day by day. Hour by Hour. And some days minute by minute. ; ) ~Sarah Del Rio
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