This week has been one of the scariest of my life. First off, let me just ask. Why is everything SO MUCH SCARIER when pregnant? Good grief. Someone should've reminded me.
Disclaimer: I have gotten so many people asking me: Is there something wrong with the pregnancy? No. No, no, and no. I mean, it's hard to tell what's going on in there but this baby is moving all around and his jabs are getting stronger every day. Last night I was up with my crying three year old at midnight (DARN you, mosquito bites! Stay away from my kid!) and baby brother was moving all around in that big belly of mine. Seemed like he wanted in on whatever fun we were having.
Anyway, sorry. Tangent queen right here.
This problem that surfaced this week, well, I have NO IDEA how to fix it. It's so easy for my mind to go to the worst case scenario. I like to be prepared, but what I really want is truth and for this to be resolved. I feel very small. Not physically, of course. I am anything but small these days. But I feel like David up against Goliath. Up against something with unlimited power and resources. All I have is truth. That's it. I admit, sometimes truth seems so small when compared to a scary giant.
I am ashamed to say that I have not handled this week well. I've cried. I've panicked. I've puked in the bathtub (ew). It's been hard to breathe at times. I've been bad about getting back to well meaning friends that just want to help. Let me just say, I appreciate EVERY prayer, every hug, every sweet word. I just don't know what to tell you because the problem isn't fixed yet. It's taking it's sweet time actually.
I've been keeping busy this week while I wait for this resolution. Yesterday I went to my best friend's house. She has seen me through so much. She's the kind of friend who will let you eat your messy Starbucks muffin on her couch and not care when crumbs go everywhere (Sorry Aim. I don't know when I became such a messy eater). When sweat is stuck to my head, she will tell me that my hair looks great (liar). Amy has been through the EXACT situation I am in. What are the odds? Best friends for 20 years and we end up in the same boat. Cray cray. She was the best person to talk to this week. She so honestly shared that while yes, this is scary right now, I will be JUST FINE. I have truth on my side. And oh yeah, Jesus. Forgot about him for a minute.
I had lunch with my mother-in-law yesterday too. I shared with her what's been eating away at Ben and I this week. She looked at me in her parked mini van and said "I've been thinking about this particular struggle of yours and Ben's. I think it's happening because of your heart. You like to help people. The more you go through, the more you can turn around and share with people in the same boat someday."
"But, I don't want to. This is too big. I am ill-equpped and small and I don't know what to do." was my fast response.
"You'll know. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for."
And then we stuffed our bellies with Chipotle, because Chipotle is second to Jesus when it comes to the fixer of problems.
Now, before you worry, I will probably delete this post by tonight. I wanted to put it out there but at the same time, I don't want my bid-ness all over the world wide web. I know I didn't share specifics, but still.
And you're probably thinking "Silly girl, you've already written about miscarriages and infertility and marital issues and tampons and just about everything else on here."
Yeah, I know. Just give me this one.
I'm okay. We're okay. We will be. God's bigger than any company. Any scary letter. Any claim. God is truth. God is protection. God's got me.
“I believe that in the end the truth will conquer.” ~ John Wycliffe
No comments:
Post a Comment