I am the older brother

We've been studying the prodigal son for the last three weeks. When I heard that's what we were getting into, I honestly didn't think there would be three weeks worth of material. And I rrreeeaaallllyyy wasn't expecting to get much out of it.

In our bible study last Friday, one of my best friends asked me what I thought of the story. I gave a polite response about it being a good parable about welcoming home those that have gone astray.  There were people I didn't know in the room, so I didn't want to get into what I really thought.
The room was silent. Waiting for me to dig into this. They knew I had more to say.
Okay, I said, but this is deep. This is not your average Friday night bible study answer. If you want to know my thoughts, here they are.

I am the older brother in this story. He so wanted what was "fair". He did things the right way. He was obedient. He stayed on the straight and narrow. When his brother came back after squandering away all of his possessions, the older brother wasn't happy with his warm welcome.

This is me every single day in my walk with God.
But God, I plead, I have been good. I do my quiet time and I tell people about you and I try to do everything right, yet it's not fair because you still. say. NO. 
But God, I go on, she isn't as grateful as I am. Why are you giving HER another baby when I have been praying for years? I would be so much more grateful!
But God, this. isn't. fair.

I know, I know. Life isn't fair, honey.

I realized through this study that I am the older brother here! Whining and stomping my feet about what is and isn't fair.
I'm embarrassed.

If you get deeper into this parable, you realize that Jesus is not simply talking about a relationship between this father and his two sons.
He's talking about his relationship with us.

The truth is, comparison can put such distance between myself and God. Oh, how it has.

I have become bitter.
Distant and angry with my savior.
Unsure of my choices and wondering if I've gotten it wrong.

It's been a long road. This journey started years ago, and wouldn't you know I'm still on it.
Working through my bitterness.
Working through the heartache of broken dreams.
Of losses too great to eloquently put into words.
Wondering if God's going to disappoint me just like the world seems to do all the time.

I've made it my mission to STOP this comparison nonsense from now on. You have more babies than I do? Great. I'm happy for you. But I can no longer compare my worth to your worth. I just can't and I don't want to.
The deep moral of this parable is that the father loved both of his sons. Equally. Whole-heartedly.
I am a parent, I get that. I'd do anything for my child, I love him more than life, and this father was the same.

God's like that with us.
He doesn't compare me to Sarah or Andrea or Leetra or Amy or Lis (just naming off some wonderful mommy friends of mine. Wonderful BEST friends). He loves Sarah and Andrea and Leetra and Amy and Lis.
They have more children than I do.
But that's okay.
We're the same, guys.
He loves us the same.

I don't want to be the older brother anymore.

I just want to be Angela. My life is from my heavenly father, and I am choosing to be thankful.