I haven't posted on my dear old blog in a month. That's not true. I've posted, only to deem a post too personal and delete it shortly after clicking publish.
This month has been a journey.
In the entire span of this infertility struggle, I think this month would have to be the hardest.
This month, I did things without God.
Or so I thought.
This month, praying ceased. I didn't have the words anymore.
I had run out of tears to cry over this.
I felt that I had nothing more to say to God. He said no, that was that, and I needed to get over it.
I "got over it" by pretending God wasn't real.
At first, it was actually kind of freeing.
And then...it wasn't.
Because I know better.
I know that he's real, I know that he has me in this hard place for a reason.
And that stings.
It's easier to think that God's just off, doing God sized things, and that he simply doesn't know how hard this is. It's easy to think that if he knew, he'd fix it.
But God said no.
And I am grappling with that right now.
What does it mean? Why did he say no? Why? What? How?
So many questions.
Not a whole lot of answers.
Except that I need to trust him in this.
That I still need to be obedient. Part of being obedient is having a grateful heart.
I wrote it down today.
Thank you for this infertility pain. Thank you for this worry.
It's part of my story. You knew it all along. You know how it's going to turn out well.
You know.
So this is where I am.
Raw.
No answers.
Blindly trusting that this will turn out beautiful.
Someday.
3 comments:
Still praying for your peace of mind through all this. I believe you will be rewarded if you keep the faith. I can't imagine all that you've been through, and are going through, but I know someone who might help. Her name is Aslinn. Here's her story so far...http://thelovelyproject.org/where-do-babies-come-from-an-infertility-story/
Still praying for you. I can't imagine all you've been through, and are going through, but I know someone who might help. Her name is Aslinn. Her story is here... http://thelovelyproject.org/where-do-babies-come-from-an-infertility-story/
Hi. I stumbled on your blog while posting on our art room blog (hit that 'next blog" button and yours came up - and I just skimmed the latest 3 posts - You write so well and wow, what journey you have been on - I had tears with your entry 366 days - whew. Anyhow, may the Lord continue to comfort you and may you take it one day at a time - And In Randy Alcorn's book called Heaven, he reminds us that we will have a welcome team in heaven when we get there - they will greet us when we get to heaven - the welcome team will be made of grandparents and close friends that we have known and loved here on earth- and I bet there is a special section on that welcome team - a place for children who have gone to heaven before their parents - and they are ready embrace us and say welcome to your real home....
Peace and comfort to you....
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