Ben and I got to the hospital right on time. We went to admissions to sign in for my HSG. Before I went up to Radiology, a woman called us in her office and showed me what my co-pay would be. $600. For a co-pay! For a test that may or may not show me what could possibly be causing my miscarriages.
Ben and I looked at each other and just knew we couldn't go through with the test. I apologized to the woman and said we'd need to cancel. We don't have $600 to spend on experimental tests.
We walked out to the car an just didn't know what to say to one another. You know how some people say that infertility is incredibly straining on a marriage? This is an example of why. We weren't frustrated with each other. We were frustrated at the feeling of having a problem and not having the means to fix it.
We took a walk (so thankful for my in-laws, who were so gracious to babysit our boy during all this). I asked Ben if he thought it was ironic that we both come from huge families, yet our son might always be an only child. He said he didn't know what to think about anything. I get that.
We're struggling with a lot of questions. I'm not mad at God....and yet, I do get confused as to why this is all so challenging. I want a pure, grateful heart, yet it's so hard to be truly, honestly grateful for the disappointment. It seems unnatural.
Anyway.
Yesterday afternoon I got a call saying my Gran was unresponsive and had been taken by ambulance to ICU. She had another stroke, has another blood clot in her brain, and this very well be the end for one of my favorite people in the world. I love my Gran so dearly. She helped raise me. I spent many summers with her growing up. She's my favorite Baptist :)
Anyway, I'm still waiting on a phone call. My mom and aunt are down there, right by her side. I don't know what the prognosis will be.
Yesterday was hard. The silver lining is that Ben was right by my side the whole time. He held my hand. Let me vent. Let me cry without questioning why.
So I can be grateful for yesterday.
My sweet Gran and me. I think I was about four here.
3 comments:
I'm sorry for the frustrations and disappointment. I get it, all too well.
I'm also adore my grandmother, after whom I'm named, and don't look forward to getting that call. Praying for you.
Love and prayers for you, Angela <3 Always. Wish I could come hug you and just be there with you.
When it seems like things are falling apart around you and the direction you thought you were supposed to head in becomes a closed door (for the time) remember that God is with you. He will never leave you. In times like this when we want so badly to give ourselves permission to be weak (I have been there too) just take a deep breath and picture yourself floating on the waves during crazy storms because God is there and He is holding you up. Remember Jesus calmed the waves simply by speaking and telling them to "be still"!
I know how scary this week has been. My grandma was also in the hospital. I have spent hours by her side not knowing what the future would hold.
God is with you and Ben. Hold to your marriage. Even though (at this time) it is the three of you- remember that is a FAMILY.
Daddy + Mommy + Logan= Family- YOUR family!
A few posts ago- you asked who I was... I promise I am not a stalker. :-)
We grew up together but I haven't seen you in a long time- actually since your wedding day. I feel like who I am isn't as important as what is on my heart. I have been through the journey you are on. But because of my story- I lack the confidence to share my identity. I am ashamed of parts of my story. See, after 7 years of marriage and one child- my husband made some very bad choices and left me for another woman. But I do know the strain that infertility puts on a relationship- but I have learned that GOD is the ALMIGHTY and His ways are not our ways. His ways are higher! :-)
In the midst of the uncertainty pour your heart out to Him. Cling to your husband and treasure each moment with your son. It doesn't necessarily mean he will be an only child- it just means *for this time* he is an only child. You are young. God could have incredible blessings right around the corner but for this moment- live in THIS moment.
Praying for you girl.... daily, and today- hourly. For comfort, and that you will truly feel that peace that surpasses all understanding. HE is with you!
(side note: this is my only way to "talk" to you... so if you choose to keep the message between us- I am completely OK with that! It is entirely up to you!)
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