Grace

During our last loss, my friend Mary sent me this beautiful picture with Isaiah 66:9 written on it. It says that God will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born.

It's an amazing promise. I find myself leaning on this promise a lot this year.

The truth is, I get discouraged. A lot. Each month brings another chance to wait. To just get stronger. To be happy for everyone that is not going through this struggle.

I'm going to be honest here: that's hard after a long while.

I have many, many friends that have decided that they wanted to get pregnant and nine months later are coming home from the hospital with a baby in their arms. I'm not that girl. It's not that quick, that simple. Many, many times I have prayed it would be.

I'm learning something from my 86 year old grandmother, who, even in the ICU with no feeling on her left side, is still giving thanks to God. Is still so strong, such a fighter.

We went to say our goodbyes this weekend. I saw her there, so tiny in that hospital bed, and I just knew it wouldn't be long. The doctors have said not to hope for too much.

I sang Amazing Grace to her. Her name is Grace Elizabeth, but everyone's always called her Liz.

Amazing Grace seems to fit her. I sang it to her and she squeezed my hand. I told her that she's always been my hero because she is hands-down the strongest woman I have ever met.

I told her I loved her. She tried so hard to say it back. I knew what she meant.

She's still fighting. She's still so thankful to be here.

She inspires me.

Many, many times over the years she has encouraged me not to give up when something seems too difficult, too out of reach.

When I would stay with her as a child, when things weren't great at home, she'd tell me that I didn't have to live that way forever. She inspired me to put God first, to get an education, to love others, and to be thankful. I went through a time, around 9 or 10, when I was a bit chubby. I hated that about myself. Kids can be cruel, and I got called chunky more often than I care to remember. You know what she would say? She'd say "Angela, be thankful you have all your limbs. Be thankful you can walk. Be thankful you aren't losing your hair. You've got so much". She was right. She was so right.

A week ago I was telling her I didn't know how we were going to pay for all of these medical tests. I bet you know what she said.

She said to be thankful I live in this information age, when tests can be done. When she was my age, if you couldn't have babies, you just didn't have them. There was no test to tell you what was wrong. You just had to cross that dream off your list. 

She said I have so much to be thankful for.

She's right. She usually is.