Gifts

My heart is growing this spring/summer season. As the temperatures are rising and the days are getting longer, my faith is returning. I've decided that my one personal goal for the rest of this year is simple. I want to grow my faith. Because as I've been honest about, it's shrunk pretty sizably since last October. But I want better for myself than doubt and fear. I want to be a better role model than that to my son as well as my quiver of nieces and nephews. 

I talk to someone every couple of weeks. I hesitate to call her a therapist, but she is one. I felt a lot of shame in going to see someone about my broken heart and confused feelings, but she's helping me through so much. I talk to her openly about my worries, my miscarriage, my deepest fears, and my shortcomings. One of the things I like best about her is her no nonsense approach to life. When I tell her a specific concern, she doesn't tell me I am not allowed to worry about it or that it would never happen. She tells me I am a grown woman and I need to make a simple choice: Do I want this possibility to consume my thoughts or do I want to enjoy life? I tell her it's not that simple. She says it is. She's right. 

Besides talking to her about all of my worries, I have found another wonderful distraction to my worry. Working on our house has been an answer to prayer, a wonderful focal point when I think things are not going so well. My wonderful husband built me a garden, and my awesome son and I are having a wonderful time growing our vegetables. I love getting head to toe dirty (so does my two year old. What little boy doesn't love to play in the dirt?) and feeling like I am accomplishing something tangible. I've also reconstructed the flower bed in the front yard, decorated some more walls, and ripped out the yucky old floors in the master bathroom. It feels great. 

Maybe this all seems too simple. Distractions are great, but I still haven't tackled the issue of why I can't seem to trust God. Why I think his plans for me are scary. I am working on that one. I know I am not where I need to be. That day after day, I have to pray for faith. I ask God daily to surprise me with his goodness. To show me that he won't let me down, that his plans are good. I do believe good gifts come from him. Gardening with my son, bathroom remodels with my husband, a nice person to talk with honestly and openly, they are all evidence that my God is good. I continue to look for his surprises.