Writer's Block

I haven't written in a while. I've started numerous posts, only to delete them before they go public. Writing is important to me, a way to sort out my thoughts and prayers in an organized manner. But this past month I haven't really felt like sharing my heart. 

I'm disappointed for not having overcome this worry, this fear. The truth of it all is simple yet hard to write. I am struggling with doubt. With disbelief. I love God with everything I have. Well, maybe not. If you look at my actions, they aren't horribly pleasing to him. His word tells me not to fear the future, yet I am having a hard time obeying this command. He says he forgives and forgets, yet I keep rehashing mistakes I made six, seven years ago. It comes down to this. I feel unworthy of his promises. When I read that God has wonderful plans, I think "But maybe not for me. I've made so many stupid mistakes. One of them will surely come and bite me in the butt eventually".  

Here's the thing though. I'm sick of living life this way. FED UP. I've checked out so many books these past few months, books on faith, fear, doubt, on God himself. I know my scripture. I do. Ask me anything, I've probably studied it. But I have a hard time applying it to my own life. I think that surely I must have messed up too bad to receive such peace. 

Friends, this is exactly what will hinder a relationship with God. Doubt. As far back as the garden of Eden, doubt has proved to destroy relationships. All Eve was given was a seed of doubt. You know the rest. 

So I guess I am writing this to say that I am taking charge of all of these doubts. Little by little. I really do want to be the woman he created me to be. I know I can if I just surrender my doubting self to him. To confess that even though I am scared, I am going to loosen the false sense of control and surrender to the plans he has for me, his child. It's probably the scariest decision I have made as a Christian. To let go. To seek him continuously, even when I am scared. 

My absolute favorite bible story involves a boat. And a storm. And some very scared disciples, and a sleeping Jesus. You know how it goes. They confess that they are very scared, that they don't know how they are going to make it through such a tempest. And Jesus calms the storm. I know it' s not always like that. He doesn't always calm the storm. Sometimes he gives us an umbrella and some rain boots and tells us to have faith that the sun will eventually show up. I could use some of that faith right now.