May

It's May. This coming Wednesday is my would-be due date with Savannah. My friends that have remembered this important day keep asking how I am doing with this day fast approaching. I say I am doing fine. It's a big fat lie. I'm not sad. Okay, I will always be sad. Miscarriage is so painful, a deep kind of painful that leaves scars on any momma's heart. But, part of grief is eventual acceptance. I accept that the miscarriage wasn't my fault. I accept that I did everything to the best of my ability. I'm not jealous of friends about to give birth. I'm really not. 
But here's the thing: I am way too fearful. Fearful in a way I wasn't five months ago. This sad event happened, and I can't seem to find my faith. I love my heavenly father, but (and this sounds awful) I still don't trust him. And what kind of a Christian does that make me? I know that things happen for a reason. That miscarriages and loss and broken hearts and lost dreams are part of life, and that if we look really hard, we can find good in situations. I know that. But I'm scared. Scared of what else God might throw my way. I pray for his will, his plans for me, and then I lie awake at night afraid of what they might be. Of how I might mess them up. 
This probably isn't a good testimony right now. In my heart if hearts, I know I am here for a purpose, for such a time as this. I realize this fear will eventually subside as I grow and cling to the promises of God. But today, right now, I just want a little sunshine. 
I've been re-reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I needed to be reminded of the goodness of God. I love what she says about God only being in the present. I didn't get that for a long time. But it's true. If I'm fearful of the future, or sad over the past, I am not enjoying God's presence. He meets me right where I am at. He is I AM. As in, in the moments. We can't get to forever without taking things moment by moment. So, fear and all, I am being more conscious of his gifts. How fast my son's hair grows. How well he talks. How sensible my husband is. The joy I find when coming across an old note from my husband, circa 2003. Little gifts that whisper "Don't be afraid. My plans for you are good, my child".