It's time to face the facts that I have been trying not to think about. We have secondary infertility. And I really shouldn't be surprised by this. I need to come to terms with the truth: It is extremely hard for my body to conceive and carry a pregnancy. My son is my miracle. He will always be my miracle. I love him more than anything. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that his daddy and I might not be able to give him a sibling. And my heart is saddened by this. I feel the guilt. I was the one who had an eating disorder growing up. Not Ben. I was the one who obsessed over calories and pants sizes. Not Ben. I know in my heart that God has forgiven my mistakes from many years ago. I was a kid, and I was confused. Sad. Unsure. I didn't know that my God loved me. I was searching for an answer. I never got that answer from weight loss. Only from Jesus.
Now, as an adult, I really don't care what size pants I wear. Honestly. I'd be the biggest woman in the world if it meant I could have more children. Oh, how my priorities have changed. My heart has so much love in it for my precious son. He loves babies, and I love that quality in him. He got it from me.
Since I got married, by dream has been to have three or four kids, kids we could homeschool, take on field trips, pick up after. And I am not saying that day may never come. I'm not God. I don't know what he has around the corner for us. I will say that my faith is being tested in ways I never thought possible. My due date would have been three weeks away. I try not to think about it, but of course I do. I have friends who are due at the same time. And I see them with their big bellies and I try to be joyful for them while also trying to quiet my overwhelming feelings of sadness over the loss of my own pregnancy. I never met her, but I loved her.
I know God has been faithful to me throughout this whole process, and I know he's with me now. Through infertility and miscarriage, I have a heart for women going through similar pain. I am sensitive to my friends without children, because I know the feelings they feel. I appreciate every tiny thing my son does, because I know I have what some women may never have: a child.
God is faithful, even now. I just need to pray for a new dream.
4 comments:
:) I know you heart, I know your pain, I long for that new dream also. I am praying for you my dear dear friend. You may not know it but You are loved by so many.
I know your heart. I know your pain, I too long for that new dream. I am praying for you.
Sweet friend,
I'm praying for the Comforter to be near to you.
I continually thank God for you!
Beautifully written, Angela. I know that you are earnestly seeking the Lord. The Bible tells us that when we do, He directs us and grants us the desires of our hearts. What that will look like, only He knows! Praying for joy and peace on your journey.
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