Talking

It seems as though I can't shut up. My apologies. I thought that this week I would be so withdrawn and quiet and just want to stay in a bubble, but the opposite has proven to be true. I think through things by writing (or typing) them out. Pretty much all of my prayers are written out in notebooks. I'm just a wordy person. So if this all seems a little redundant, please don't feel like you have to read any of this. 
I want to tell you a little story. It may even be blogged about in here, back in the 2008 section. I don't remember. In October of 2008, I had an early miscarriage. The day we found out I was pregnant Ben took me out to Mimi's Cafe and we celebrated. And the next morning, we realized it wasn't going to last. And friends, I was DEVASTATED. I really didn't know Jesus like I do now. Well, I had a relationship with him, sure. But I am embarrassed to say it was conditional. I thought that because this was happening, he didn't love me like he loved people with a lot of kids. How foolish of me. Between that October 2008 day and now, so much healing, so much growth has been done. I can now proudly say that my faith in God is not at all a Sunday morning thing. I put him first, finally. I don't know why it took me so long. And my peace is from him alone. 
I see the good he blesses me with every day, and each gift is a promise that he is not done blessing his child. I am proud to call him my heavenly father. I see my sweet son's smile and I can't help but feel so blessed, so loved. My husband hugs me, tells me he's proud of me, and I feel content. And every time we leave the house, I look at my home with pure amazement. We have a home. Of our own. What a crazy miracle. I guess what I am trying to say is that there have always been blessings in my life, but it's easier for me to see the good now because I ask to see the good. I pray that God will show me his hand in each situation. Things are not easier. Circumstances have taken so much out of Ben and I, and we often feel defeated. But we aren't, friends. We get back up, every day, walking in faith that God will supply us with the desires of our hearts, in his perfect, beautiful timing. And if he doesn't? Well then they weren't real desires and our hearts will seek out what he wants for us. 
Ben asked me the other night why this had to happen to us. Why us in particular. I told him maybe we shouldn't be asking why. He said he was confused as to why God allowed this to happen. But we quickly agreed not to look at it in that way. Instead we can be thankful that God knows we are strong enough to handle these painful trials. The best thing we can do is lean in closer to Jesus, hold our son with so much love and just be there for one another. 

Healing is here, friends. Have a beautiful day. It's sweater weather.