Growth Is a Gift

I've been enjoying how freely Ben and I can talk to each other these days. This is a brand new development in our marriage. If you know him, you know he's the strong, silent type. And I am the opposite of all that :) For whatever reason (oh, because I asked him to, if we're being honest) he has decided to open up to me about his feelings. And it's such an awesome gift to me. Because it's one less thing for me to wonder over when I can't sleep. 
We were driving this evening, along a beautifully quiet country road. The three of us were full from a taco dinner, and we weren't saying much. The sunset was absolutely breathtaking. A pink, blue, purple, and orange sky atop an empty field. I have always thought of sunsets as one of God's gifts to me. Because I am a nature loving girl. But I couldn't. Not tonight. This surprised me. And I thought to myself "Oh my goodness, I think I might be mad at God for this miscarriage. Deep down, I think it's all his fault. Oh how horrible of me to think". So I quickly asked Ben what he was thinking about. I needed to take my mind off of my stinkin thinkin (that's what my mother always called negativity :). Ben said that he was thinking about money, if we were being honest. Surprise. That's what we always think about. He said "Angela, the thing is, I know this is nobody's fault but I have to be upset somehow and I can't explain why so I am just going to be upset that we're out a thousand dollars and all we have to show for it is heavy hearts".  And this may sound odd, but that was the best thing he could have said to me. Because he was honest. He wasn't treating me like porcelain, keeping his feelings in for fear it might upset me. He was showing me that this is just as confusing and painful to him as it is to me. And this helps us lean into each other. Because marriage is built for pain like this. We are partners, and we are made to help one another, even when things don't make sense. 
I told Ben my philosophy on all of this. I said that I was embarrassed that I preach so much about being thankful in all seasons, the good and the bad, but in reality I am failing miserably in my own attempts. At least I feel that way. I have listed many ways in which I see the good in this, but right now, it just hurts. It just doesn't make sense. And I ask God why. Even though I said I wouldn't. Even though I said it was wrong. Ben said he asks why too, and we can ask together, and grow together, and figure this out as healing takes place. 

I can't believe that a few months ago, we were thinking we were drifting apart and had nothing in common. God is bringing such strength to our relationship, and Ben and I both know it. I had been praying that God would bring back all those feelings from when we first started dating, nearly 9 years ago. But good relationships don't stay the same. They grow, they mature. And growth is a gift.