Savannah

I have cried my tears. I am sure there will be more to come, especially as my body prepares to expel this failed pregnancy. But that hasn't come yet, and right now, I am able to see things more clearly. I have read many times about how God will take our heartache and turn it to good for those that love him. I have seen this happen before, but never so quickly. 
My mom came and sat with me yesterday. This was a very big deal. She doesn't take off work for anything, ever. Work is her thing now. But I called her and told her what happened, and she came and brought me daisies and a lasagna and just sat with me. And it meant so much to me. God is working in our relationship, healing old wounds. And I am thankful. 
I got a message from a family member I haven't talked to since July. He is probably reading this. I love him, but his choices were hurting me, making me too sad because I couldn't save him from himself. And that broke my heart. He sent me a message telling me how sorry he is that this happened, and that he loves me, and that he is going to church and trying to get his life together. I have been waiting my whole life to hear him say that. And if he is reading this, I want him to know that I love him too and I am proud of him for turning his life around. 
My marriage is getting better. Before I even knew I was pregnant this time, Ben and I were going through a rough patch. Just a lot of difficult circumstances were causing us to be short with one another and to turn away from each other in our worries. I honestly didn't know if we could get back to a good place in our marriage. I felt hopeless. But, since this incredibly sad thing has happened, he has really stepped up to the plate, just holding me and not needing to say anything. We're in this together, and we make each other stronger. I realize that now. God is repairing our marriage, and that's beautiful. 
I see the good that is coming out of my heart ache. I look for it. I don't want all of this to be in vain. And I already know that it isn't. I'm still scared, because my body still thinks I am pregnant and I am worried about getting sick. But I trust that things will start to happen quickly. I pray so anyway. 
I am not making any big decisions now. Maybe not for a while. I am vulnerable, and it wouldn't be wise. At the moment, I don't know if I ever want to be pregnant again. My heart is only so strong. I don't think I could take losing another precious life inside me. 
But even as I say that, I know in my heart of hearts that God is in control of the plans for my life. And that he is going to bless me with good and perfect gifts. Not on my time table, but on his perfect time table. And as sad as I am right now, that excites me. 
I will leave you now with a letter I wrote to my little girl. Someday I will be able to tell her this face to face. 

Dear Savannah Grace, 
I never got to hold you, never got to kiss your sweet cheeks. Your life in Momma's belly was short, and you are with Jesus now. He is holding you, and he is holding me as well. Though I never got to meet you face to face, I loved you always. I always will. When Daddy and I get to heaven we will hug you first. 
God bless you, sweet child. I hold you in my heart. 
Love, 
Momma