I don't understand certain things. Everything was going wonderfully with my pregnancy. Wonderfully. Tons of morning sickness, a clear heartbeat on the ultrasound, a tiny but fully formed new life inside my womb. 
And then yesterday happened.  
L and I were getting ready to go to a play date when lots of fluid came out of me. I was taken aback and called my midwife. She said I needed to go get to the lab right away or I needed to go to the hospital. My only two choices. 
I thought everything was probably fine, and I was worrying over nothing. Still, I called Ben to come home, and he did, so that he could accompany me and help with L. 
In the waiting room, he and I were complaining over the cost of another ultrasound. We still didn't know. 
When my turn came, I saw my beautiful baby girl up on the screen. Fully formed and so tiny. She had a beautiful little profile. The sonographer said barely a word. So unlike last time. She could no longer find a heartbeat. I didn't understand. She told me to go wash up and then call my midwife. That's when I knew. There was no movement on the screen. Just stillness. I cried, and hugged my boys. 
I got to the car and called my wonderful midwife. She said "Angela, do you know what's going on?". I did, but I said no. I didn't want to know. She said that the pregnancy ended two weeks ago, and we didn't know it. I've been walking around thinking everything was fine, maybe just feeling a little sicker than I thought was normal. I cried. She asked me who was with me and I told her my husband. She said to put him on the phone. 
She prepped Ben for what will most likely happen in the following days. I have read the books, so I know it is not easy losing a pregnancy this far along. I was just about to reach the second trimester. I would be 12 weeks next week. 
I am bracing myself for what's to come. It will be painful, not just emotionally but physically. 
I don't know why this happened to us, but I know that I can be strong. I have to be strong, because it's the only option you get as a mother. 
People have been so kind. It's hard to know what to say when a miscarriage takes place, and maybe there's no one right answer. But my friends and family have lifted me up, prayed for me, and told me that I am strong. And that's what I need right now. So thank you. 
If any woman is reading this who has suffered a miscarriage, my heart goes out to you and I pray that our heavenly father wraps you in his loving arms. He loves you, and he loves me, and he weeps with us. 
God bless you, friends.