This will be the final post I type on this topic. I am ready to close this chapter. I may as well throw out a disclaimer right here: If you are easily queasy, just don't read any further. I may write some things that will gross you out.
I have made my peace over losing this pregnancy. We found out the sad news one week ago, and I have used this week to pray, to talk things through, and to accept that sometimes, really painful things happen and they can't be controlled. What I was not prepared for was how intense a later miscarriage is. I am sitting here in the middle of the night, my knees pulled up to my chest, experiencing contractions. I haven't felt this feeling for 19 months. The last time I was in so much pain, I birthed a beautiful baby boy that has become my world. This time around, there is no such prize. Other than fitting into my skinny jeans. Maybe. I told myself I would be prepared when my body decided to expel this miscarriage. I told myself it was just a period. Not to freak out about what I see. Not to cry. Not to dwell. But do not be offended when I say this feels like hell. Every contraction is just a painful reminder that I lost one of the things that was most precious to me. And I never even got to meet her. The cruel thing is, I am experiencing a paradox of the heart, even now. I never, ever want to feel this way again. Miscarriage will break a mother's heart. The thought of ever being pregnant again just makes me angry. Because this could happen again. And yet, deep down, I know the desire to grow my family is from God. So I sit here, wondering where we go from here. How we heal.
Please do not think that I am not still looking for the good in everything. I am. Every day, my list grows. My husband has been great, my son, as loving and cuddly as ever. My friends and family have had nothing but kind words and prayers for me, and I am so blessed by all of you. You make me stronger.
Psalm 56:8- You have taken account of my wanderings, put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?
6 comments:
Oh Angela, I am praying for you now, as you walk through this valley. My heart goes out to you, as your physical pain matches the emotional pain you've been in for the past week. I understand. At the end there will be no celebration, only sadness. But through all of this the unfailing truth is that as much as you love your little girl, your Father God loves both of you even more. May you find peace and comfort in that knowledge, and somehow rest in His arms, in the midst of this storm. Praying.... (Kristen Linduff)
Praying for healing for your body as well as your heart. Been thinking of you non-stop!
Oh angela its so hard to have to watch such a sweet person go through this I do know that you are a strong courageous woman and God def. Cries with you. I am always here if you need a shoulder to cry on. Please know you are being thought of and prayers for comfort to ease both physical and emotional pain are sent your way. Never give up on ur dreams Love ya
Thank you so much, ladies. As painful as this is, my hope is that one day I will be able to share my story with women going through this. I know God is not finished with his work in my life. I talked with my midwife today and she said that it would be very rare to have this happen again, and to not make decisions based out of fear. Many women go on to have larger families after miscarriage. I know that all things work together for good for those that love him. It will be okay.
You are just amazing, Angela. I love you and am always praying for you. <3
Thank you so much for writing this. Your heart is so beautiful. Praying for you always.
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