Joy Verses Fear

Yesterday was a great day. I had another sonogram, the first in a month, and I was so happy to see how my little baby has grown. He/she was moving all around, rubbing his/her eyes, kicking in my belly. Beautiful.
I should have been over the moon yesterday.
Instead, I found myself more and more anxious. Everywhere I looked I saw potential problems. I know it's common to be more on guard during pregnancy, but I am so anxious about everything that could go wrong that it's sucking the joy out of this time.
I accidentally swallowed a tiny bit of toothpaste yesterday. Freaked me out. I was sure I had ruined everything.
Then last night when I was taking a shower, I accidentally swallowed some soap. What is it with me and swallowing things?
Ugh.
I don't know how to not be afraid over this. Maybe once I feel my baby moving, maybe the bigger my belly grows the less anxious I'll be. I don't know.
But I'm tired of letting fear steal my joy.
I have much to be thankful for.
A heartbeat of 176 per minute as of yesterday.
Health.
A good immune system.
Probably about a hundred people praying for this baby (please don't stop!).
A wonderful team of doctors.
Food with all kinds of nutrients to ward off germs and toxins.
Way too many books to read (although maybe I should stop with the books. Giving more to worry about).

I don't know how to not worry. God's been there the past 11 weeks, 1 day. Why do I think he's just going to rip my heart out at any second? Oh yeah, because trust and I don't have a very good track record.
I pray to see the goodness of God. I pray because I doubt. I doubt and I worry and I wonder. I feel foolish for trusting when I have lost so much already. I finally took a picture of my growing belly. I didn't want to for a while. If I lost this pregnancy, I didn't want a reminder. But guys, I love this baby. I love everything about this beautiful miracle. Bottom line, I am not in control. I can worry, I can obsess, but it won't do much good.
As my friend Mary told me, I have no control over the fate of this pregnancy. Whatever is going to happen has already been decided.
I WILL mess up. I will. But I can't think every mistake means the end.

I guess the point of this is to say, baby is doing great so far. Mommy, not so much. Mommy needs to chill.

When I figure out how to do that I will let you know.

My miracle baby! THIS is what we've been praying so hard for. Thank you for joining me on this journey. Sweet child, I love you and I cannot wait to meet you in November. Stay healthy, keep growing, and forgive my many, many mistakes. I love you more than life.