Control Freak

I had a revelation of sorts this afternoon.
I had been worrying over something. Big surprise. If I am breathing, I am probably worrying about something.
I'm just going to dive right in here.

I like to control things.

Shocking, I know.
Oh, only I'm surprised?
Hmm.
In school (I was a psych major) I was taught (in many different classes, many different times) that people who struggle with worry are usually people who struggle with control.
More precisely, they are people who struggle to FEEL like they have control.
Does anyone really have complete control?

No.

But we tell ourselves we do.
If our houses are perfect, if our kids are the smartest, if we eat perfect gluten-free sugar-free trans fat-free food only (and it must be organic and local, don't forget!), if we stay looking as young and beautiful as possible and keep our finances straight, we think we have control.

But we don't. 

I was praying this afternoon on my way home from church.

God, why can't you just take this worry away from me? Why must I always try and control every possible catastrophe before it ever takes place? Why do I replace peace and joy with fear of the unknown?

I know better. 

I know that as a follower of Christ, I must trust that HE has control, and that I wouldn't want it anyway. I must believe that even when and if bad things happen, HE won't leave me on my own. To put it simply, God's got my back.

I know this. 
But I don't live like I know it. 

I instead live as if I have to do everything perfectly twenty four hours a day or something bad might happen and it will be my fault because I didn't keep things completely under control.

I can't control whether or not people like or hate me.


I can't control whether someone on the road is going to get annoyed with me for following the speed limit. You know I must follow all the rules of the road at all times! Yeah, I'm really annoying to ride with. People tell me.

I can't control if or when I will ever get pregnant again, and if I do, I cannot control whether or not I will miscarry again.

I can't control a lot of things.

Scary, but also kind of refreshing to admit.

I was never meant to be in control.

I.AM. NOT. GOD.

I don't know why I struggle so much with a need for control.
All I know is I can be honest about it, and hope that if someone else out there is struggling, you'll know you're not alone.

Today, I give thanks that God is in control and that I can have peace because of that.