Our Story

I'm just going to come right out and say it: I don't know how anyone ever "accidentally" gets pregnant. It happens all the time, I hear. But those of us that struggle to become momma's, well, we find it hard to fathom that healthy babies are conceived every day. 
This post will be deeply personal. If you're not a fan of TMI, stop reading after this sentence. 
I cried in the tampon aisle yesterday. Discreetly, of course. I've never cried in the tampon aisle before. 
Here's why I cried: 
My doctor told me to call when I started my first period after this last miscarriage. It took a couple of months to get it. Apparently this can happen after some miscarriages. I was to call and set up an HSG (hysterosalpingogram) at the hospital a certain number of days into my cycle. This sounded fine in theory, but when I actually set it up yesterday, I started to feel fearful. How much will this cost? We have health insurance, but a co-pay is still a co-pay. Should I feel guilty for getting a test to see why I keep miscarrying? Am I playing God, learning things I shouldn't know? Should I feel guilty that my husband is taking a day off work to come with me, in case I get dizzy from all the blood they take? Should I feel guilty that we are having my mother-in-law babysit our boy? 
I cried. I cried because I felt defeated yesterday. Something that comes so easily to 95% of women in their twenties was costing me money and time and a whole lot of dignity to achieve. And what if I go through all of this and my boy still ends up an only child? Will I feel like I have failed him? Failed to give him a sibling, a life-long buddy? 
This is why I cried in the tampon aisle.  
My first thought when I cried though, was about you. You women whom I love deeply that are right here with me. My sweet friend that lost her little girl last year at eleven weeks along. Who sends me sweet messages to let me know she's right there with me, and praying. My friend that had to take out a loan to have IUI, and now has a beautiful three year old. My friend who has decided to be child-free, because all of this started to crumble her marriage. 
I pray for you. I do it because I believe the purpose to all of this, the purpose to all of this disappointment and recurrent loss is to open my heart to women. Growing up, I saw females as competition. Sure, I had my girlfriends, but I always silently kept score. Who was prettier? Whose house was nicer? Whose family was still together? Yes, as a child, I kept score on all of this. I always came out on bottom, in my eyes. 
God has cultivated my heart and opened my eyes so much since those days. I still struggle with comparison. When someone has a lot of beautiful, smiling kids ( a lot meaning more than one) I struggle with why. Why is God blessing them (I truly believe children are one of his biggest blessings in this life) and not me? Does he favor them over me? This is when I remind myself that my path is simply different. Not better, not worse, just tailored for me, because God thinks I can do this and come out stronger. 
We got an email from our pastor a couple of days ago. He read our story and he's touched. He's praying for us, and says if we want to come in we can. When I read it, I at first felt a little silly. There are people with big problems out there, why should he bother with us? Our biggest problem is we can't seem to make babies anymore. Some might even call it a blessing (Not us! Definitely not us). 
I guess I don't know who this story is supposed to help. All I know is that I am learning and growing way too much to keep this to myself. 
Have a beautiful Thursday.