Today is one of those days I'll remember the rest of my life. You see, last week we found out we were having another baby. Baby Shiloh. Their name was chosen before they were even conceived. It reflected my prayers as of late. Like Hannah going to Shiloh to pray for a son, I too went to a new level of prayer to add to our family. I took five tests and got a blood test. Things were a go. I told just a few very close friends and asked them to pray like they had never prayed before. And they did. I am so thankful for these precious ladies and honored to call them my friends and sisters.
Today I woke up to find myself bleeding. This is so scary for any momma to be. But as soon as I saw it, I just knew in my heart that the worst was happening. It wasn't a matter of negative thinking, but, this is my third miscarriage. I know what to look for.
I cried. I called my mom. My aunt. Talked to my sister in law. Waited for the OB to open so I could make an appointment. And then when I was at my appointment, I started hemorrhaging. I knew. They said they can't confirm it's a miscarriage for 24 hours, but my heart knows. The doctor said that there's a reason I keep miscarrying and he wants me to go see a specialist in six weeks. He wants to help me. I want this too. If it's a simple solution, if it's any possible solution, let's do this.
Most people have been so sweet. One person did tell me it was selfish to want a big family, and to them I say that's their opinion. But other than that, people have been so kind.
I guess my biggest prayer is that I don't want to become bitter. It hurts so much when I see big happy families with lots of siblings because my son may be an only child. And because my body keeps failing me, I of course feel responsible.
I don't really know why in the world I am on this journey. It's been so hard on my marriage and on a lot of my closest friendships. But I am so thankful that my husband loves me unconditionally and that my friends are all just a phone call away.
I saw this quote tonight, and it's so true.
Because someone we love is in heaven, there's a little bit of heaven in our home.
When I get to heaven, I've got three beautiful babies that I get to hold forever.
My dear Shiloh, you are so loved, baby. I don't know why miscarriage has to happen, it doesn't get easier, but you will always, ALWAYS be in my heart. I love you so much.
~Momma
6 comments:
It enrages me that someone had the nerve to call you selfish. You have the desire of any woman's heart! Women were created for this longing for children! I am so sorry. Sorry for that comment and sorry that you are walking this road once again. He will complete the work He is starting in you and in your family. I love you.
Oh Angela, I am so, so sorry. May Jesus be near to you and Ben tonight. I'm praying for you both.
Hello Love,
My Mom was looking forward to Heaven and holding the sweet little babies she never got to hold here on earth. Even though she knew she would be leaving family here for a while, she took comfort knowing she not only was going to get to meet her King but her unborn children too.
I don't know if you know hor much you meant to my mom but I feel like she's holding your little loves for you right now. I don't know why miscarriage happens. I can't begin to imagine the hurt and sorrow of losing your babies but I do know that all of Heaven is rejoicing to hold your precious little ones.
You and your family are on my heart and in my prayers. Never forget how loved you are. <3
-XOXO
Oh my dear Angela! I am praying for you! I can not inagaine what you are going through, please know that if I can do anything for you please let me know.
All my love,
Erin
Angela, my heart aches for you and your husband. I am so sorry.
That specialist appointment in a few weeks brings some hope. I know it doesn't bring your babies back, but there is still hope for safely having more children in the future.
I understand the pain. Hold to Jesus- He's holding on to you!
You are not selfish- don't hold on to those words. People say rediculous things when they are at a loss for words and I don't understand how anyone could logically decide that wanting more children was "selfish".
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
-Laura B.
Angela, I'm sorry to hear of your pain but hopeful that the specialist will pinpoint the cause. As for the "people who want big families are selfish" comment, I've heard it before. It's a line given by some politically correct activist and parroted by people who don't think for themselves. If the person was a medical professional, I'd report them and suggest they could use some sensitivity training. If not, you can safely assume they're an insensitive jerk and pray that God will work on their hardened heart.
Post a Comment