Questions

The last week and a half has been filled with questions. What ifs. Contemplation. This is where I admit that I am confused. 
I might get a lot of flack for this. I'm going to show my heart here. It's pretty raw and confused and not sure of a whole lot right now. 
Yes, I dreamed of having a big family of my own. Siblings for my son. A dinner table surrounded by little ones. 
I am letting go of this dream. To be honest, I have asked God to take this dream away from me. If I can't have any more children, then I certainly don't want to hold on to a dream that will never come to fruition. 
I planned on having a few more kiddos, being a homeschool mom, going that route. But I am questioning whether or not I should even homeschool if my son isn't going to have siblings. I want him to be around other kids. Yes, I have three more years to decide all this. But I'm a momma. We like to plan ahead. 
I am so confused. 
Confused about what to pray for. About what NOT to pray for. About what my life is going to look like a year from now. Five years from now. It's a little overwhelming. 
Someone that I've been talking to suggested I write a book for women on this same journey. If only I could. I'd love to be able to help other women going through such confusion. 
I'm contemplating whether or not to go to my appointment to find out what's causing my health issues. My recurrent miscarriages. But I'm not sure I even want to be pregnant again. I couldn't bear the thought of another loss. 
I'm confused. 
Confused as to why God has me on this path. Why he thinks I'm so strong. I certainly feel ill equipped.  
I saw an old friend yesterday. I was a little nervous to see her. She's pregnant with baby number five. I thought I might be a little awkward around her. The funny thing was, we started talking, and she has many of the same insecurities I do. One child or five, being a momma is a big responsibility. It's easy to question. To wonder. To strive and fail on the quest to perfection. 
I have so many unanswered questions.