It's Okay To Ask

I am so thankful for the lessons God is teaching me on what seems to be a daily basis. It's no secret that I love being a mother. More than anything. I honestly feel like that's what I am on this earth for: to be a mother. I never feel more fulfilled than when I am in momma mode (and really, when am I not? Any momma knows that this is a 24/7 deal). I would rather hang out with my son than do anything else. He brings me such joy. 
I want to grow our family. I really do. But here's a little confession: I haven't had the guts to pray about it in quite some time. I guess I have been afraid that God will say no, so it's easier on my heart not to ask. Every once in a great while, I allow myself to daydream about what it would be like to grow my family. A little brother for my son, or perhaps a little sister. I saved all the tiny baby clothes, I can't bear to give them away. But I haven't prayed for more children in months. I think, quite simply, I have been guarding my heart from any more heartache. 
But here's what I am learning through the stacks of books I've been reading: It's okay to ask God to grow my family. Even if he says no, it's okay to ask. It doesn't make me selfish. I do believe that I have as much a right to a big family as anyone else. But I guess I have been afraid to appear as ungrateful if I ask for more. And I am so grateful. Having a family is my dream come true. God wants me to pray. It shows that I come to him when I don't have the answers. 
I have such a different perspective on infertility, on all of this, than I did the first time around. I have much more peace that God really is in control, and that no amount of planning or worrying on my part is going to mess up his beautiful plans for my family. For the first time in forever, I can honestly pray for God to bless my family as HE sees fit, not as I do. I am so thankful for this change of perspective. God says in his word that he will give us the desires of our hearts if we seek him first. I used to think this meant he would answer our prayers with a yes. But now I see that he does things a little differently. He is cultivating my heart to want what he wants for me, and that is so much better than anything I could think of on my own. 
And for this, I give thanks.