Unwavering

Today I am thankful that I do not have all of the answers. 
I went in for another sonogram yesterday. I won't get into the details, but I will say that it was very unpleasant. Getting information was quite difficult, no one wanted to tell me what was going on. 
Long story short, my body is not back to normal and I have to have surgery. When I was having the miscarriage a couple of weeks ago a lot got stuck in my endometrium and just isn't going to come out on it's own. I now have to go to some specialist in Oveido. 

What does this have anything to do with being thankful? Allow me to explain. Everything I have been studying this past six months is now being put into practice. Giving thanks, praising God when I don't know how to make sense of things, well, that's really the essence of a thankful heart. When I try to look at the future through my own understanding, I don't know how things will turn out. But God asks me to simply trust him. Trust him when I don't understand how. Trust him when all I can feel is confusion. Trust him when I get a new medical bill. Just trust.

Yesterday after I received this news, I realized that I have a bad attitude about all of this. I am upset that we will never get to meet this child, upset that deep down I think this miscarriage is all my fault because maybe I could have done something, something differently. And I am upset that I can't move on because for whatever reason my body isn't moving on. Really, all I can pray is words of thanks to God. Thanks for the big: my beautiful son, my husband, sweet people God has placed in our lives. And thanks for the not so clear-cut miracles: This chance to ultimately see God work his glory in my life through this difficult situation, this chance for me to release all worry, all uncertainty, all jealousy, all bitter feelings into his care. To really cry out to him and ask for his mercy. 
A thankful, faithful heart is what keeps me strong. 
Ann Voskamp may say it best:


Faith is this unwavering trust in the heart of God in the hurt of here. Unwavering trust all the time though I don’t understand all the time. 

This is exactly how I feel. I trust that the heart of God is good, and that he is with me in this storm. I do not understand what he's doing but I know he will ultimately be glorified in this. 

So I can be thankful, even now.