At the beginning of each new month, I let myself have multiple cups of coffee. That's my consolation prize for another round of negative tests.
I've started buying them at the dollar store.
How much money have I spent on pregnancy tests for the past five years? A lot.
Most days I have accepted the fact that my son will probably be an only child. Because I come from a large family, I was kind of taught to feel sorry for only children (although at times as a kid I secretly wanted to be one. Ha!). I was told that only children were lonely. Had a hard time sharing. That they were often spoiled.
Is this my kid?
Well, he's not even three yet.
And he's the sweetest kid ever.
As I was making my coffee this morning, I was also praying. Jesus, why another month of no? Are you counting this time like I am? We're going on two years again. Did you forget?
And I feel a quite whisper:
What if I don't bless you with more children? Do I love you any differently than your friend Sarah, with her five children? Are you less valuable in my eyes?
Of course on paper the answer is no. God loves us all the same. But do I feel that way? Not all the time.
I don't think about infertility much. I prefer to think on other things. When I really allow myself to count the months of this journey (the second time around. We're up to one year, eight months so far. And time keeps ticking on.......) I feel sad. Confused. I wallow a bit.
And then I tell myself there's always next month and go about my day.
I've tried different things. I went vegan for a while (Okay. That lasted one day. Gross). I tried the sugar free thing, thought that might help. That just made me irritable. I tried fish oil supplements. That did make my hair shiny, so it wasn't a total waste of money.
I tried medical testing. That got expensive real quick.
So now, I'm done "trying". What good was it doing?
I pray. I try to be healthy. That's about all the help I am giving this infertile beast from this point forward.
I know I usually try to wrap up my posts with a nice positive phrase, but not today. Not feeling especially cheery. Just in need of some coffee. With sugar.
2 comments:
I feel your pain about having a miscarriage. 23 years ago I had one just as I was adjusting to the idea of being pregnant. My husband was gone to the yearly training camp for the National Guards, so he never got to experience the joy with me of seeing the positive pregnancy test, nor was he with me when I miscarried. That all happened when he was gone. My marriage ended for reasons unrelated to that moment, and I have 2 wonderful stepsons that I've helped raise for the past 10 years with my husband now. However, I've silently went through the pain of never getting pregnant again and having a child of my own for all these years. Reading this post and the last one you did (366) brings tears to my eyes. You're right. God does not love you less, in fact I've wondered that myself as each year passed without having a child of my own. Instead, I'm thinking that perhaps my purpose in life is to be there for my stepsons and the students I've taught through the years. It's not easy, but I'm happy for you that you do have a beautiful little boy. I hope things work out for you and you find peace if you don't have another child.
Hey there, I just wanted to share a word of encouragement. I am a momm to 4 beautiful,healthy children. But inbetween these births there were 5 losses. My firt pregnancy was a loss, then my daughter came, then another loss, then my son come....3 losses in a row after him then baby girl number 3 and six months later preggers with number 4! I stayed prayerful and thankful through all the miscarriage. After my son was born and I had the 3 losses...I just kept telling myself that there was no way that I could have 2 perfectly healthy pregnancies and children and not be able to carry another baby to term, it just didn't make sense...with my third, I did go to a specialist and took progesterone for the first 6-8 weeks....it seemed to be the problem for me and did not need any help with my fourth. Stay stong and positive, thankful and prayerful....blessings!
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