Results

Yesterday was not awesome. 
I felt sick, I had a horrible migraine, I hadn't slept well, and I was waiting for results that would either be wonderful news or disappointing news. 
I was supposed to wait until today to call, but I caved. I called. "Not pregnant" the nurse told me. She wasn't sad about it. Why would she be? She probably delivers that news ten times a day. She doesn't know my prayers. I thanked her for telling me and hung up. I sent Ben a text. Not pregnant. Got blood results back. Today sucks. 

I hate to text. It's not on our phone plan, and I think it costs a quarter a text. But Ben wanted to know, and I always feel guilty having to call him at work.

I wrote in my prayer journal yesterday. 

God, what are you doing? Why is this making me so sad? Why do I care so deeply whether or not I have HCG in my blood? Why do I long and ache for more children, if your plan for me is different? Make this all stop hurting. Put a new desire in my heart. Help me to find a job. A different dream. Something. Because this is making me so sad. We've been trying for one year and seven months. Almost as long as we tried the first time. All I've gained is two more miscarriages and five pounds of stress eating. 

Yeah, I am a little embarrassed about the stress eating. Time to reign it in. My pants need to fit again. If I'm not going to be pregnant, I can at least get myself back into shape. Anyway.

Today, I am having more than one cup of caffeinated coffee. I am going to go for a run. Working in my garden. Playing with my son. Letting the bug guy in and trying to pretend that it's not awkward having some stranger spraying things in the kitchen. 

I'm going to live life. One moment at a time.  

Thank you all, for your priceless prayers.

                                       This is sweet "Baby Ana". When I need to hold a precious little bundle, she's happy to let me. My dear friend Leetra is nice to share her daughter with me :)