I am about to get personal. Maybe a little too personal. You have been warned.
I have gotten a lot of advice on how to deal with the pain of being child free. So many friends have said " Be angry at God. He can take it". I know that sounds silly. What good is it going to do me to be angry with Him? It's really not going to change things. I have found myself drifting the other direction. Instead of saying "God, this is really painful and I need to blame someone so I will blame You" I find myself not wanting to pray, not desiring to go to church. I am ashamed to be admitting this to those I love, but I believe honesty is key. A tiny part of me sees my single friends (and there have been so many these last few years) and I am hurt that God thinks that a child would be better off with a single, uneducated, unemployed mother than with two adults that would give pretty much anything to be parents. These feelings are what have distanced me from the Lord over the years. Ben and I went to church on Sunday for the first time on about three weeks. I found myself dragging my feet. We had a guest speaker, as our pastor was out of town for a while. The man preached a really good sermon, and then he started telling a story about how he and his wife tried for three years to have a child, how after countless disappointment, they finally were able to conceive. The weird thing was, I really didn't think this had much to do with the sermon. I sat there, touched by what he said, and I thought " God, are you telling us not to give up just yet?". The truth is, I know I will never really give up until we have our child. If I have to take hundreds of injections to get my hormone levels right, if I have to eat more disgusting vegetables than ever before, I will not give up. My prayer for about a year now has been that if Ben and I are not supposed to be parents, that God will take our desire away. I pray this all the time. I'm not sure what to think. When I have really difficult days, I go to my Bible and look up verses on hope. These verses are probably my favorite, because they have gotten me through so much and I know they will continue to do so throughout my life.
I know I have so much to be thankful for. When I feel sad and my arms feel empty, I praise God for all of the love He has shown me over the years. He has saved me from so much, been by my side through the darkest of days, and I know that He is with me through all of this, even if I feel alone. He sees what I cannot see. I am small, and He is big, and He sees everything that I am too small to see. I know that He already knows all of the hairs on our baby's head, knows everything about this child. I just have to continue to hope, to not despair, and to fully rely on the blessings He has for Ben and I.
Psalm 71:5
For You are my hope, oh Lord God, You are my trust and my youth.
Romans 5:5
Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
2 comments:
Wow, that is so incredibly powerful. God is teaching you so much and loving on you so much. I have the same struggles with single moms who struggle with their kids. Only I wonder how those children could be blessings to them, when it only seems to bring their lives misery. It just doesn't seem fair to bless someone who's messed up and not the people who are trying so hard. I don't see God's plan though. I don't know what he has in store for people. I've been told recently that I judge people too harshly. Maybe that's what God's working in me.
Oh, Angela!
I wish I had read this before our walk this morning! Makes me really wish I'd have asked you more deeply how you were doing today.
I love your vulnerability! It encourages me and challenges me in my own walk with God, and it helps me to better lift you before the Throne of Grace. Oh, your name comes up many times in my prayers, asking God to bless you and Ben and thanking him for the gift of your friendship.
Love you!
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